Posted by
Paul Dueck on Thursday, November 02, 2006 12:59:59 PM
If we assume for a moment that John Kerry is telling the truth, that his comments really were meant as joke (which I don't believe for a second), we realize an interesting point. John Kerry can't tell a joke. I don't mean that he's not funny, an excruciating campaign made that very clear in '04, I mean that he is not capable of stringing together syllables in the way that intends.
In the sports pages we talk a lot about hand-eye coordination, Mr. Kerry seams to be lacking thought-mouth coordination. After all he failed at something my 3 year old cousin can accomplish.
This makes me wonder, where does he go from here? He is one of the worst senators from history, he has never succeed in life apart from selling out his comrades and marrying a rich chick. He lost to the President by the largest presidential margin in over a decade. He's been caught lying in front of the whole world about the nature of his Vietnam service, and now he is shown to be a bumbling fool by his own admission. What is his ceiling here? What is he capable of failing at? Is there a way we can bet on this? There's enough comedic material here for a four to five JibJab movies.
In that spirit I put together some odds on possible next steps for the junior senator from Massachusetts. (These are likely hood in the next year)
Another Inappropriate comment: 9 in 10. - This is not really a next step but I figure he's been on a hot streak for a couple of years, might as well ride that horse for all its worth.
Embarrassing sports injury: 1 in 4 - I'm thinking he probably attends a few sports events each year, I'm thinking that he probably tries to stay relevant and 'young' by participating in a little one on one or something with a ten year old. Once that happens you KNOW Kerry's gonna get dunked on and get his hip broken.
Bush should have been aborted Joke: 1 in 8 - I think he tries to top the current problem, with another 'tasteful' joke. Imagine, he's attending some National Organization of Women event and he's hammin' it up about what a good liberal he is. Then all of a sudden he tries the old abortion reduces crime smear, but with a twist about the UN and Global Test, Classic Kerry. Is there a way that we can get him to one of those events? After that its basically a certainty.
Long running Medical Trauma, followed by attempted socialism: 1 in 10 - At some point this year he's gonna do some really stupid Kerry level stuff. Like he runs through traffic or does a load of hash or some such. At some point there are going to be medical consequences, so I see him in like a month or two long coma followed by a really retarded regulation campaign. "Make Icy Ramps Illegal!" "Bush Wants you to have sub-par marijuana!" I'm not sure that anything can surprise me here.
Visits wrong Country on Diplomatic Effort: 1 in 25 - You'd think that any half decent staff would prevent this from happening, but I am beginning to think that Kerry exudes some sort of field that interferes with neural activity. Look at the way his office have done damage control recently. I foresee a colossal snafu, like a visit scheduled to France which ends up in Texas. Followed by him insulting the president when he does not notice where he is. Actually this might be a cause for the Trauma above.
Failed Suicide: 1 in 500 - I know this one sounds extreme, that is why it's a long shot. He's failed at so many things, that if a couple of these go our way it will increasingly clear to him that he will never be president. Right now I think that is probably all he lives for. I doubt he loves his wife or his job, and he doesn't have any religion to keep him going. Once he has made that decision, well if he's not capable of telling a joke he's not capable of offing himself. You can take that to the bank.
Feel free to post some more in the comments. The possibilities are endless.